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Fighting My Inner Demons

Guest post by Jean at Working Momma 24 / 7

As I close my eyes at night; all the fears, anxiety, and pain, feed themselves into an emotional hurricane. Sleep then becomes no more and hurt and anger take over.

I hate myself for who I am sometimes. This person who freaks out over stupid things. This person who can’t even handle the most simplest of situations with out my heart racing and the knots in my stomach twisting so hard I can’t breath much less think. I don’t know why I get this way.

Why is it so hard to ask the girls at the door how much they want for mowing the lawn? C standing there looking at me like I’m crazy. “Just go ask them!” he yells, It’s not that hard! Easy for him to say. I hate that something so simple is yet so overpowering and intimidating.

What hurts most is when my kids have to see their mom so frightened with something that is really hard to explain. The times when I want to hide behind them to feel protected instead of being the protector. What kind of mother does that make me? A mother who is scared that everyone is the boogey man out trying to get her. How does this effect the kids? Will they think everyone is the boogey man out to get them to?

I try so hard to keep the anxiety and hurt bottled up tight like a springy snake in a peanut can, but it still always seems to pop out when least expected. I have my perfectly fine days and then the not so fine days. I want so badly to defeat this beast for me and for the kids. I always believe that I can fight the good fight on my own. That I don’t need meds to qualm this. I tell myself if I got through post pardum depression after almost 4 years surely I can fight this to on my own. I think I have to come to terms with myself that I do not have to fight this fight alone. That’s probably going to be the most difficult battle of all, is coming to those terms.

Guest post by Jean at Working Momma 24 / 7

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Erika Jurney

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7 responses to “Fighting My Inner Demons”

  1. Damselfly Avatar
    Damselfly

    Anxiety can really kick your ass. I can relate. I think what helps me is forcing myself not to think so much about those things I’m anxious about.

    Thanks, Working Momma….

    Reply
  2. Melanie Avatar
    Melanie

    (((Working Momma)))

    Anxiety is a monstrous thing. I hope you can get a handle on it; I also hope your sweetheart gains some understanding of the idea that anxiety is inexplicable and doesn’t have to make sense.

    Reply
  3. Carrie Avatar
    Carrie

    GO TO A DOCTOR! Why is there so much shame with mental health issues? Whether it’s chemical or emotional or a combination, there is help out there. Don’t be afraid of meds if it’s chemical. If you had cancer, would you turn down meds because you think you should be able to deal with it yourself? Don’t be afraid of therapy/support groups/coaching etc if it’s not. Would you discourage a good friend from therapy if they were in horrible pain? Treat yourself the way you would your dearest friend or your children! There is no reason we have to live a prisoner in our own bodies. I say all this from experience from my own journey. You are not alone. Your doctor will help you. A support group will connect you with people going through the same thing and you’ll know you are not alone. Of course you owe it to your children…they’ll learn from mom that courage is asking for help instead of letting a problem bury you. But mostly you owe it yourself. You deserve to be free.

    Reply
  4. Carrie Avatar
    Carrie

    One more thing. I understand that actually picking up the phone and making that doctors appointment is 80% of the battle. If you want to, but just can’t make the call, have someone else call for you. If you are overwhelmed and anxious about talking to your doctor here is something that worked for me: I made the appointment then wrote down everything I wanted to say, all my symptoms, all my concerns, etc. Then at the first appointment when I was frozen silent with fear and embarrassment, I gave the doctor what I had written. It was hard, no doubt about it, but it helped me get through the first step.

    Reply
  5. Carrie Avatar
    Carrie

    I just keep thinking of more to say. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. Others have conquered this and you will too. Just don’t try to do it alone. There is no reason to. When I was going through my drama, in a lighter moment I joked with a friend that I was “declaring war on Crazytown.” That’s what you must do. Declare your war of independence. Refuse to be taken prisoner. Fight. And no one ever fought a war alone.

    Reply
  6. Ulvi Avatar
    Ulvi

    There are times when I’m so afraid of something really simple and easy that I forget who I really am. I become a weak person who constantly looses control of a situation. Getting nervous is the biggest barrier to be who I really am. I understand where these fears are coming from, but I can tell you one thing. If you were in a situation where you have no choice but protect your children and yourself, you wouldn’t even hesitate and take harsh measures.
    I remember when I was in high school, I had to deal with a bully who stole my phone but didn’t want to give it back or confess that it was him. I was so frightened that I will be beaten up and his friends will kick my ass even more after that. I asked him several times to give it back but he would give me a different story every time. I decided not to give up. All I had to do is get him to make fun of me in front of my friends. The inner demon showed up that second. My friends told me that I was so mad that my eyes were red. I beat the guy up so bad that I broke my fist and didn’t feel a thing. That moment I cannot remember or describe because I wasn’t being controlled by my own conscious mind. I’m not happy about what I did but I can understand what you’re saying about being weak.
    What you should know is that you’re not weak. All you need to do is convince yourself that you aren’t weak. When you talk about this you show the demon that you’re giving up. But, you can’t just give up and say “Ok, I will let you control my mind and my life”. Don’t let the demon speak to you. The more dialogues you have with it, the more it will take over your life. Trust me I had to deal with it for a long time now.
    I hope this helps anyone who is interested.

    Ulvi

    Reply
  7. Ulvi Avatar
    Ulvi

    Try to learn and control it. Be aware of it and make it work positively for you.

    Reply

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