The Love Ambush. He never saw it coming, so he was powerless to resist.

As promised, here’s another post about my quest to help Mike build up his self-esteem. My technique is simple to describe: I ambush him with my love.

Do you remember the character “Kato” in the Pink Panther movies? He was the house boy of Inspector Clouseau. (I know, asian “house boy”… It was the 60s.) His job, other than presumably to clean the apartment and make martinis, was to always try to catch the Inspector off-guard and attack him. Ostensibly this was to keep the Inspector in top-form, but it always turned into a hilarious, slapstick fight, and was my favorite part when I was a kid.

Now I think of myself as Kato, and my job is to do sneak-attacks on Mike. Of course I say “I love you” to him, and I’m sure he appreciates it in theory, but to him it probably seems pro forma. You know, like what you’re supposed to say. “Of course you love me, you’re my mom.”

For it to really sink in with him, I have to surprise him and show him in unusual ways. For example, he has the bad habit of biting and picking at his cuticles and the skin around his nails. I would love for him to stop, and I’ve tried constantly reminding him, covering fingers with bandaids, and yelling. All those work for about 5 minutes each, and then he forgets and goes back to work on his thumbs.

something new

So one day I knelt down next to him, held his hands in mine, and quietly told him how much I love his body and how special his body is to me. I looked at his thumbs and told him that I really loved his thumbs, and it made me sad to see him making them bleed. I looked right into his eyes and asked him if he could do me a favor and take care of those thumbs for me. I kissed both his thumbs, and gave him a hug.

The next day I took him aside and quietly looked at his hands. The skin around his thumbs was getting smoother! I thanked him for taking such good care of his thumbs, and told him that it made me feel so good that the skin was healing. We talked about how much better they looked, and he said they felt better too.

Now I try to make sure to do this about once a day, and I think there are two reasons why this is working. First, he was surprised by it. Who talks about loving thumbs? Second, I did it quietly which was also surprising. You’re probably not shocked to learn that I’m not a particularly quiet talker, and changing my voice in this way seemed to get his attention.

So in a nutshell, the Love Ambush. Give it a try.


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9 responses to “The Love Ambush. He never saw it coming, so he was powerless to resist.”

  1. Patois Avatar

    Good for you and your boy. That makes a lot of sense. I’ll have to make sure I try that.

    Oh, and I always thought Kato was the house boy for OJ Simpson when Simpson killed Nicole and Ron Goldman.

  2. Damselfly Avatar

    The Love Ambush! I love it.

  3. shaz Avatar

    ooooooh Erika, I am sooooo impressed!!! :)

  4. Kevin Charnas Avatar

    NICE! Excellent approach. When you’re calm, quiet and talking like that, it’s amazing. People pay attention to what you’re saying rather than how you’re saying it.

    And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Kato!!! I LOVED HOW HE AND THE INSPECTOR WOULD FIGHT! Speaking of being calm and quiet, I’ll stop yelling now.

  5. Hol Avatar

    I’ll have to keep the Love Ambush in mind. Does it work for husbands too? :)

  6. jen Avatar

    Yes a new approach is often the best. I used a new approach when I wanted to stop an argument with my son.

    I look forward to your next self-esteem – love ambush tip.

  7. Seattle Mamacita Avatar
    Seattle Mamacita

    I can see using this idea in many ways..the idea of taking care of something puts the power and responsibility in their hands.. I’m glad I’ve found your blog I’m getting good ideas to tuck away…

  8. problem girl Avatar

    This is such a good idea. My son has Aspergers and one way that it has shown up in him is that he pic, pick, pick, picks at everything. His nails, his lips, his nose, his feet, everthing. We’ve tried (nearly) everything to get him to stop but we’ve never tried something like this. I’m going to give it a try tonight. Thanks for sharing the great idea!

  9. Jen M. Avatar

    Fantastic tip!! Got a nail biter at home, too. I’ll pass this one along….

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