What do preschoolers need to know about death, and who should be telling them?

About a week ago my dad’s dog Dixie died. When I told Mike and Robbie what happened, I reminded them that now she was in heaven with our dog Alice who died about a year and a half ago. That was pretty much the whole conversation we had. I could tell that they needed to think about it for a while, so I left it at that.

A few days later my dad (Granddaddy) and step-mom (Noni) stopped by for a visit with their other dog Dot, and Robbie ran right up right up to Noni. The first thing he said to her was how sorry he was that Dixie wasn’t here, but he was so glad that we still had Dot. He just genuinely wanted to make sure that they were doing OK after the death of their dog.

It is not bragging when I say that Robbie is incredibly empathetic, it is just a statement of fact. He has an amazing ability to just know what other people are feeling, and it is the first thing that new teachers tell me about him. It is at the core of his personality.

So I was shocked this morning.

I went to drop Robbie off at preschool this morning and they told me that the father of one of the teachers had died. Truly horrible news, and I was and am still devastated for her. However, they then told me that they were going to talk about it at school today.

Here’s what I heard: They were going to tell Robbie that the dad of a teacher he loves died. They were going to tell Robbie that daddies can die.

He is four!

Even if he didn’t make the connection to his own father right away, he would certainly be devastated to hear about his friend’s father. Robbie has enough nightmares, and I really didn’t think he needed more fodder.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why in the world would you want to tell my four year old that daddies can die?”

That was on the inside. What I really said was that this was disturbing to me and I hoped that they could talk about it more generally. I said that I would be really concerned if they talked about this at school. I’m usually very easy-going, but this was a big deal to me. I considered taking Robbie home with me instead of leaving him at school, but in the end I hoped I had gotten my point across.

So when I picked him up today I was really interested to hear how it went. It turns out they decided to just talk in general terms about how the teacher was having a hard time, how they’re all like a family, and things the kids could do to help her feel better. So the kids are making pictures for the teacher and things like that. I think this is great!

Apparently the concerns I voiced in the morning influenced their choices, and for that I am grateful, but here’s where my question to you comes in. I absolutely adore every one of Robbie’s teachers, and I think that this is such a great classroom for him to be a part of. But for the first time I’m a little freaked-out about what might have happened if I hadn’t had the time to chat with the teacher before I left.

Am I high? Is this something that kids should learn in preschool? Of course it would be different if god-forbid something horrible had happened to a child in the class, but other than that I think it is my job to teach my kids about death. What do you think?


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22 responses to “What do preschoolers need to know about death, and who should be telling them?”

  1. mel Avatar

    I would have to agree with you. At that age the knowledge can get in their little heads and get all distorted and cause all kinds of feelings or fears. I believe that explaining death is something the parents should address, not a preschool. Then all questions can be handled and fears discussed.

  2. crunchy Avatar

    yeeeah..that is something I would rather keep out of pre school….

    They come up with weird enough stuff as it is!

  3. MamaLee Avatar

    My son is 5, and we are now talking about death a bit at home. I agree – I don’t think that the details should be taught in school. I see my son get all upset and full of questions, and I change my approach with what he asks and how he reacts. Teachers need to understand that every child processes things differently, and there can be real harm to teaching something so serious and SAD to a group of little kids. One on one, at that age, and with family is the way to go, in my book.

  4. AbsolutelyBananas Avatar

    Interesting question. I have a friend whose 3 year old is obsessed with death, asking all sorts of questions. My son, on the other hand, just thinks of it as that cool thing that happens to bad guys when the good guys SHOCK them. (and I’d prefer to keep it that way)

    Death is one of those things which has the horrifying ability to take us from children to adults in a single instant… Not something I’d wish on my child before it HAS to happen.

  5. sherry Avatar

    I agree with you. I think if it was unavoidable (one of the kids or one of the teachers) then yes it could be addressed gently but I don’t think it was necessary to discuss the teacher’s father’s death. That might sound cold, but it’s just not what I would consider appropriate.

    Plus it leads to a lot of grey areas. My four-year-old has gone through the death of four pets (darn small animals and short life spans0 and also my grandmother. It was really tough for me to find the answers I wanted to use especially in regards to my grandmother about what happens to her after she dies and so on. I’m not sure I would automatically want someone else teaching my kid what happens next, not because I’m right and they’re wrong but because I just think it’s my job as a parent.

    It’s good to know though that they took your concerns seriously rather than blowing you off.

  6. Suzanne Avatar

    I think it is not a bad thing to discuss, but it definitely needs to be done the right way. I don’t think that telling kids that daddies can die is the right way to go, although I think it might have made some sense if the death was of the parent of a kid, not teacher. Glad that you had a chance to speak to them about it.

  7. karrie Avatar

    I don’t see the point in the context of the father of one of the teachers passing away. Perhaps if one of his teachers had died, or even the parent of a classmate, but why do you even need to know abt a teacher’s father dying?

    I’m glad you said something.

  8. Toni Avatar

    I agree with Karrie- why even bring it up? They are pre-schoolers!

  9. thordora Avatar

    I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m predisposed to be a little fixated, but we have the death conversation around here all the time-it’s important to me that my girls know what death is, just in case. I doubt that they will fully understand, but we approach it as part of life, just like birth. I’ve integrated it slowly into conversations so it doesn’t come out of nowhere, like this seems to have done.

    I personally feel that all children need exposure to death as a normal part of life, but each child is different. If it’s not something that was directly affecting him, I wouldn’t want them having the conversation in my place either.

  10. Plain Jane Mom Avatar

    Just to be clear, we talk about death too. I told Robbie what happened to his teacher’s father when I came home from work today.

    But the distinction is that I was the one who told him, so it was done in the way that fits the beliefs of our family. And I know Robbie better than anyone else does, so I knew how to explain it to him.

  11. Plain Jane Mom Avatar

    (Sigh, I just woke up a few minutes ago… I meant “when I came home from work yesterday.”)

  12. thordora Avatar

    That’s why I added that I think it’s still YOUR place to initiate the conversation, especially since it wasn’t directly affecting him (i.e.-it wasn’t a class mate or teacher)

    I do agree with you-I just think that many parents aren’t necessarily addressing that part of life with their children, and that may have been some of the reasoning behind the original decision.

  13. Oh, The Joys Avatar

    My grandfather recently died and The Mayor (2.5) learned about it.

    We didn’t have the right answers … and still don’t.

  14. andria Avatar

    I think it’s your place to explain death to your children. Even coming from a trusted teacher, it will still be frightening to a small child, better to have mom or dad there for that one.

    I am surprised the teachers would even want to take that one on. Good thing you spoke up about it. I am sure you weren’t the only parent who felt that way.

  15. Karly Avatar

    I don’t think its really an age thing. Its individual for each child and when they are able to handle. I definitely wouldn’t be okay with the school teaching my preschooler about death. That is a parent’s job to do when he/she thinks the child is ready to handle it.

  16. Jennifer Avatar

    It wasn’t the preschools place to have that talk. Rugrat knows about death, as much as an almost 4 year old can. Glen is military, we’ve had friends come back in boxes, for us it was important for her to at least be aware that it can happen.

  17. Lila Avatar

    The school needs to realize that this is absolutely positively not a teachable moment.

  18. Widow Avatar
    Widow

    I think that it is ok to teach children about death. That way, if it happens to them they have some understanding of what is going on. My 6 year old still doesnt understand that her dad is not coming back. I do believe that is improtant to teach children. I do however believe that they should teach them starting out with animals can die, then people.

  19. Plain Jane Mom Avatar

    Widow, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure that is incredibly difficult for a child to hear and understand.

    I do tell my kids about death, but I don’t feel it is the place of the teachers to do that for me…

  20. Ellen Avatar
    Ellen

    I agree with the teachers. The kids WILL ask where the teacher is. The “discussion” would be minimal – simply, “her dad died and she went to the funeral,” followed by, “it is sad when someone dies. . .we want to do something to help her feel better.” I don’t think most/majority of kids will make the connection because their teacher are old. Therefore the teacher’s father has to be REALLY old.

    I agree also with the military mom and Widow, until it hits close to home, kids don’t usually draw the line from “them” to ME/MYSELF/I/MINE. Kids can/do/should be taught empathy for others in any/all situations it arises. If they have questions, they will ask, if not, they will enjoy making something for their teacher who is feeling sad.

  21. Amanda Avatar
    Amanda

    My daughter is 4 1/2 and in preschool, shortly after she started she came home telling me of her new “boyfriend” Noah. She said she loved him and that he stood up to the other boys when they picked on her. About November Noah got sick, my daughter was devastated that he wasn’t in school anymore. We have kept in touch with Noah and his family, so has the class. Noah has cancer and for the longest time we thought he was getting better until just last week the newest update came out that Noah was terminal. I tried talking to my daughter about it, she shut down completly. The next day she suddenly uttered in the the car, “why can’t the doctors make Noah better and why do kids die, I thought only old people die, like my great great aunt dorothy?” She was with me last summer when we attended the funeral of my great aunt who had passes (kaylee had never met her). I answered her questions to the best of my ablility to do so. I talked to her teacher who I have kept a good relationship with throughout the whole mess and asked if they were going to talk about the fact that Noah was going to die. She talked to the guidance counselor at the school and is sending a note home warning parents that they are going to talk about it. Sometimes I think its okay for schools to handle certain things aslong as the parents are notified in a advance, but even if you had kept your son home that day, short of pulling him out of the school, another child would have told him when he returned. We all know that kids tell everything they see, hear, and do…

  22. Sz A Avatar
    Sz A

    I think that this topic can be addressed when the kids are ready. They will ask questions and you will know how much they need to hear. I don’t think this should be handled in school as part of the curriculum because not all kindergarten age kids are at the same level and they don’t all need to learn about it at the same time. If a teacher needs time off to cope they can mention this to the kids and even the reason but I don’t think it requires a presentation about death. Perhaps it would have been an opportunity for them to start asking questions. I would not shove it down their throat unexpectedly and then send them home to let their parents smooth it all out and help them cope.
    I think if someone in the class is sick and dies as in Amanda’s story that is different because they have already talked about the fact that this person was sick and over time they were able to build up to the end. I am sure there were questions about his illness. Some kids find this overwhelming and they shut down. It doesn’t mean they are not processing the information inside. They just need time.

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