Why I swear on my blog

73 Comments

Because I fucking can, that’s why.

I don’t curse in front of my kids. I don’t swear in front of other parents at school. I don’t whip out the naughty words (very often) at work.

But I have it in me, and just like the release valve on a pressure cooker, sometimes I have to let out a little steam. So hello lovely blog-readers, here it comes.

Slut-bag-ho-motherfucker.

And now I can go another day without stroking out. Danny gets it, and I suspect some of the rest of you do too.

But then I get emails from folks like the lovely Susan who emailed me last week commenting on a post where I referred to my husband as a fucker:

Susan: I can’t believe a mom of three young boys would use such language on a website. I found you by looking for a recipe for bisquick. You ought to be ashamed!

Me: Oh lighten up Susan — I don’t swear in front of my kids. Hope you enjoy the Bisquick.

Susan: Lighten up? Come on! You are swearing on a public forum. You are calling your husband a foul name!!! and you don’t swear in front of your children? Then why do you feel the need to do that on the internet? I was totally offended by your remark! I may be of another generation, but good taste is good taste!

I do find it hilarious that somehow the part about Bisquick is relevant to her argument. And I also laughed at the thought that somehow my blog is not supposed to offend her. And the “good taste is good taste” closing is a classic example of narrow-thinking. But then I googled her email address and just got sad.

Are all the grandmotherly Methodists in Georgia out picking fights with strangers, or is it just her?

Comments

  2. It’s probably wrong that I got such a big laugh out of this. I just can’t stop picturing Granny happily googling Bisquick and stumbling across your “offensive” blog. And all she wanted was a recipe for a quick and easy Cheeseburger Bake!

    As a fellow non-swearer in front of my kids and swearer on my blog can I just say that “fuck” in front of my kids is not cool. “Fuck” on a blog? Awesome.

    Reply

  5. Bisquick, kids, and cussing all go together — we made cookies out of Bisquick just last week and they were fucking great!

    I also Googled a high-n-mighty commenter on my blog and turns out he was also accusing Google of conspiring to delete his comments elsewhere so they don’t show up in searches. Like Google cares.

    Reply

  10. You response to her was so much nicer than mine would have been. My response would have just been “then don’t fucking read it.” Or, “then just go to the motherfucking store and BUY some fucking Bisquick if you don’t fucking like my potty mouth.”

    Reply

  11. Fuck her.

    You know what I don’t get? Why people choose to read a blog and then claim it doesn’t suit them for one reason or another and then complains about why instead of just not reading the damn blog in the first place. Do we blogger’s force these dumbass motherfucker’s to read our silly shit?

    Oh do I feel better now!!!!

    Reply

  13. Fuck that fuckin’ Bisquick shit. Aunt Jemima is the fuckin’ bomb.

    Seriously, if you wanted fuck to be every other word on your blog, more power to you. Don’t let Susan’s bunched up panties get to you.

    Reply

  14. It’s the internet lady. There’s a little “x” button in the top corner of your screen. Go ahead, press it. You won’t have to view the offensive material one second longer.

    What is with these folks who feel they most correct our behavior??

    Funny thing is, I don’t even notice the swearing here. I think I swear less on my blog then I do in real life.

    Reply

  15. Oh Susan, LIGHTEN UP!!! Don’t you know cursing on blogs is a great form of therapy!

    Better here than screaming and cursing out your family…..

    Plain Jane, I love your site and your curse words!!!

    :)

    Reply

  16. Fuck.

    That’s just wrong. It’s the internet, lady. If it offends, don’t log on. It’s that simple.

    I’ll never be able to use Bisquick again without thinking of you and your foul internet language.

    Reply

  19. Good thing she wasn’t looking for anything regarding infertility instead of some silly recipe (not that your recipe is silly) ’cause most of us have quite colorful language.

    And for some reason, this reminded me of that gum commercial I love so much:

    Wife says: You son of a biscuit eating bulldog!

    Husband says: What the french toast?!

    Wife says: Did you think I would not find about your little doo-doo head cootie-queen?

    Mistress says: Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint-licker!

    Wife says : Pickle you QomQuat!

    Husband says: Your overreacting…

    Wife says: No, Bill over reacting was when I put your convertible into a wood chipper, Stinky McStink face!

    Mistress says : You Hoboken.

    ******

    I totally resisted using the word FUCK in my comment. Aren’t you proud of me?

    Reply

  21. You’ve got to be FUCKING kidding me!!! I don’t cuss in front of my kids, but I sure has shit do on my blog. Who’s damn business is it anyway? Certainly not the Bisquick Bitch!!

    Reply

  22. I had to come back because this just reminded me of the time I was working in tech support (oy) for an ISP and some woman called me up, completely irate that there is PORN on the Internet. She wanted me to go and take it all down. I can’t tell you how many times I had to hit the mute button so that she wouldn’t hear me laughing (or screaming in frustration) or the rest of the staff who were laughing at my side of the conversation. She totally had no understanding that I was not physically capable of going to each server in the entire world and removing the porn.

    Eventually she decided to cancel her account when I wouldn’t help her. After I did, I kindly pointed out that except in the case of a typo, you don’t generally just “come across” porn, one normally needs to go looking for it, and so if she was finding it that easily, say in her history bar, she might want to discuss the porn issue with her husband instead of her internet provider. She hung up on me. :)

    Reply

  23. Sherry-BEST.STORY.EVAH. That’s hilarious. Years back I worked for an ISP, and loved it when little old ladies couldn’t believe that darling Johnny had used their credit card to rack up tons of charges on what was likely porn.

    Good times…

    Reply

  25. That commercial that DD quoted cracks me the fuck UP, every time I see it. I almost never swear on my blog, but I swear in real life ALL THE TIME, and in front of my kids, too. I hope Susan isn’t going to come yell at me now. Bitch.

    Reply

  26. Bisquick sucks fucking ass. I prefer the Jiffy brand baking mix. It’s smooth as a mother fucker, not lumpy like a dried up ho bag.

    Hey, I do cuss in front of my kids. Gasp! Though good taste is good taste and I refrain from dropping the F bomb in front of them.

    Reply

  31. HAHAHAHA!

    You know, you really shouldn’t talk about Bisquick and then say ‘fucker.’

    It’s much more appropriate to say, “cocksucking whore.”

    It’s just pancake-talk ettiquette. DUH.

    Reply

  32. The correct initial response to her would have been “fuck off”. That is because her opening email boils down to “I am better than you” and that is not a debating position.

    As a lawyer I have to spend so much time being deeply respectful to judges and clients that I have to be able to go somewhere and swear my bollocks off. For me that is at football games. I forget that for those who know me professionally, the non-stop stream of foul invective that flows from me during games may come as something of a shock. It certainly caused my Father-in-law to lose much of his remaining hair when he joined me at a match.

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  36. I don’t know what Bisquick recipe she was looking for, but my husband and I use it like some people use whipped cream. It is a must when we fuck. Perhaps she was ashamed to be caught wanting the Bisquick for the same reason?

    Reply

  37. I found you on twitter. I think your right. The fucking women is to fucking serious for her on good. You can use foul language on the internet and still not use it in front of the kids. If she found the words offensive, all she had to do was get off your fucking page and not come back. My Gawd some people are just around to piss you off!

    Reply

  38. I love Sherry’s comment.

    Ironically, I never swear on my blog but have not learned to censor myself in front of my children. My 5 year old asked her father if W-I-T-H spelled “shit” while he was helping her with her homework. Oops! Mama needs to cut that shit out.

    Reply

  39. Hee hee!

    If I could swear on my blog, I probably would. But the fact that I use it for professional reasons kinda means that I have to bite my tongue. Unfortunately, I am the mom who swears in front of her kids (as quietly as possible) and then gasps when they have the nerve to do it back.

    Shame on me, too, I guess!

    Reply

  41. what the hell? since when can a person not swear on their own blog…if you don’t like it, turn the fucking channel!

    i wrote in a post a last month about how i call my son an asshole…not to his face! but or stress relief when i’m talking to hubby or my mom. i got a comment calling me an awful person. whatever. i’m sure she has no experience with a 17-month old with a temper that would make a 300 pound trucker shake in his boots!

    it’s a personal choice whether you use profanity in life or on your blog…you made your choice, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    i think “Susan” needs to get a life outside of her precious Bisquick!

    Reply

  44. I once did a google search for kumquat and guess what popped up. YOU got the visual don’t you? I can’t imagine searching for Bisquick and getting an ear full of….

    #$%&*!!! You guys kiss your mothers with those mouths?

    Hey, I stopped by to check out a very plain Jane and I got cursed out. I love it! Life is good.

    Have a Fucking good day!

    Reply

  45. Some people are so unhappy with their lives that instead of accepting other people for what they are they pick them apart and try to make themselves feel more righteous. You’re not alone hon I swear too :D

    Reply

  46. OMGosh! This made me laugh out loud. This is the first blog post I’ve stumbled upon tonight that I’ve read in its entirety. I can’t swear on my blog but I so understand the therapy! Poor Granny. And I don’t think I’ll ever view Bisquick in the same light. Too Funny.

    Reply

  48. Ok, I am sitting here looking at your bolded expression of OBVIOUS BAD TASTE and it is totally giving me the giggles. I forgot how much I adore the word ho-bag… must find more ways to slip it into conversation.

    Also I highly enjoyed your email exchange with the seeker of all things Bisquick and moral. I mean really, how can you argue with “good taste is good taste”? You can’t. But good taste and bisquick? I’m not sure they belong in the same paragraph.

    Reply

  51. I wrote a post a while back and I used the word “fuck” for emphasis. I too was chastised for cussing.

    But, you know what?

    Fuck ’em.

    Whose business is it if you do cuss in front of your kids? Does that automatically make you a bad parent?

    I don’t think so.

    Also, this is your website. You can say what you want in whatever way that you choose.

    Reply

  52. Get the fuck out of here…how fucking rude!

    You go girl! Swear when you want to and when you have to!!!

    I am really enjoying your blog…I have just nominated you and tagged you for an award – check it out!

    Reply

  53. I’m not completely awake, but did that emailer say she was looking for a recipe for bisquick? Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose? I’d swear like a motherfucker if I had to make my own pre-made baking mix.

    Reply

  55. This goes on all the time, all over the place. Nothing new. The holier-than-thous will always be there. They ask themselves, What would Jesus Do? And then completely ignore that answer and do whatever they want anyway.

    Reply

  57. I’m impressed she didn’t overuse the exclamation points, though. Because usually The Easily Offended think it necessary to go!!!!!!!! like!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to!!!!!! make!!!!!sure!!!!!!!!you!!!!!!!!know just how!!!!!offended!!!!!!!!!!!they!!!!!!!!!are!!!!!!!

    Reply

  58. i totally feel you girl…sometimes i just need to throw a shit-damn-fuck out there. i have written many posts explaining to fucktards such as susan that it is MY BLOG and i’ll say or post whatever the hell i want to!

    keep on a rockin…and cussin…a little cussin is good for the mind

    Reply

  59. Oh fuck, I do swear in front of my children but not so much on my blog.

    Of course, I’m always surprised when they hear me … being hard-of-hearing I don’t hear myself. ;).

    Maybe I outta reverse it.

    Or maybe I outta go pluck hairs off my head.

    Hmm… tough call.

    Reply

  61. When we some people on the web understand that the owner/one who pays the bills of the website makes the rules! In this case you pay the bills, and if you think swearing is perfectly ok, than go ahead and swear it up!

    Look at it this way, if it is that important to her that you stop swearing, you could always ask her to pay your hosting/domain bills.

    Reply

  62. I try NOT to curse in front of my boys. But its been hard. I cursed like a sailor for so long, its hard to shut the shop down. My 3 year old called his brother a douche the other day. I think he over heard me on the phone with my brother. And that did it in. Ive now resorted to “juice bag” which is what my 5 year old calls a Capri Sun. And they can call each other juice bags all they want

    Hilarious post! Love the comments too! xo

    Reply

  63. i love being able to swear on my posts. i can tell it how it is, in my opinion. usually, my mom calls me and tells me i really should consider changing my language, that i’m liable to offend and insult people. i just tell her to shut the fuck up and then i hang up on her…just kidding. i don’t really hang up on her :)

    Reply

  65. It is past midnight. I am on my laptop in bed. I woke up my husband because I laughed so hard and so loud at the f’ing “bisquik” post. Good for you for shoveling it back at her. I get mail sometimes at WTM and I actually take it to heart for about 3 seconds—-you totally rock.

    Reply

  66. Why is it automatically assumed that if you are a Mom you can’t or should not swear? I do my best not to swear infront of my children but it happens, deal with it.

    My blog, I even have a disclaimer that it is not always G rated. An F bomb is going to drop here and there.

    Good for you for sticking up for yourself. If “Susan” does not like it she can read something else. There is plenty out there.

    Reply

  67. Like I say:

    “If you aren’t ready for Big Girl words, go sit at the kiddie table.”

    Hilarious!! Thanks for the great laugh, and who hasn’t/doesn’t refer to their husband as ‘fucker’-if not worse??????

    Reply

  69. HAHAHAHA And for all of you who say you don’t cuss in front of the kids, I bet 90% of you have let it slip at least once. And the other 10% are lying :) I let it slip once or twice in 10 years, but so far I’ve been lucky not to hear it said back to me! Of course I’ll never forget when my youngest was around 2 and was in that repeat everything he hears phase. I was driving and something happened and I blurted out DAMN! And it as damn, damn, damn, damn all the way home.

    Of course my biggest slip up was when a motorcycle cut me off and the guy flipped me off. I instinctively returned the favor and suddenly got all SORTS of questions from the four kids sitting behind me in the mini-van. Ooops.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  2. […] I stepped back today and realized exactly why people make fun of “mommybloggers”. Because SOOOOOOOO many of them suck. And yet have audiences. Why is that? Is it so they can have suckfests all together? Is it so no one feels outwitted by anyone else? Is it because the group closes in like lemmings, petting and oohing and ahhing over the poor poor blogger! (I will make an exception here for Jane and her fucking bisquick however. That was just classic) […]

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