Since the day he was born Mike has had no patience for things that piss him off, and now that he’s 5 that encompasses a lot of happenings in the world. The problem is that since he is still a little kid he doesn’t have very many good ways to deal with his frustration and anger.
So, for example, when he gets mad at a brother or a friend at school he will sometimes resort to hitting / pushing / kicking. It isn’t my favorite, but he has always had a short fuse, so this is not a new development.
Strategies we’ve tried are classics like time-outs, just plain telling him to knock it off, asking him to take deep breaths, giving him positive reinforcement when we see that he deals with his anger in a positive way like talking through it or walking away, and that old standby: yelling like a freaking lunatic.
None of this has really worked, and it is hard for him! Not only does he have a short fuse, but he also has high expectations of himself and others around him. He doesn’t exactly take the easiest path through the woods.
lightbulb
But about two months ago I had an idea for how to help him through this. I told him that it is such a special treat for people to be with him. And I know that sometimes he gets frustrated with his friends and brothers and feels like hitting them. But that the best way to deal with people who are frustrating him is to take away the special treat of being with him.
And it worked! Now instead of hitting (most of the time) he will walk away and do something else. And I didn’t have to yell at him for the 100th time. He acts all blustery and big-kid-like, but his self-esteem takes a big hit every time he gets in trouble. He has a hard time brushing it off when someone tells him he did something wrong.
It is important to note that I am not a softie, permissive mom. I’m pretty strict about most things, and my kids know that. So I’m not just “letting him off easy” with this technique. It is just a way for him to get out of a tricky situation on his own. It is a tool he has to help him when his anger takes over.
Last week one of his teachers mentioned to me that Mike’s self-esteem has gone way up, and she no longer sees him hide away under the play structure after someone tells him no. I’ve been working on a number of ways to shore up how he feels about himself lately (I’ll elaborate in future posts) but it makes me so happy to hear that he’s feeling better about being Mike.
quiver
Is this going to work for all kids? Hell, it doesn’t even work on all my kids, but stick it in your bag of tricks and see if you come up with a use for it. I’m just trying to add to the list of parenting strategies out there. I hope some other folks get use out of it.
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Hhhah. girls don’t fight, hit and kick one another, at least my sister and I didn’t when we were younger :)
I’m so glad I read your post. My son, at three, is already showing signs of being like your Mike. Very short-fused and easily frustrated and also very affected by being admonished, especially by anyone but me. I’m not sure that he’s quite old enough for your brilliant trick (and it’s not so much a “trick” as a great way of teaching him about how to interact sucessfully with others) to work, but I’m definitely tucking it away for future reference!
I’m so thanking you for this right now. Self-esteem is not in heavy supply around the Slackstress house. Keep the tricks coming.
I’m completely impressed and storing this is my “future use” part of my brain!
That is such a great idea! I love those aha parenting moments! Thanks for sharing.
Yeah we try to do the same sort of thing with Adam. We don’t want him to think that being upset or having any strong feelings about something is ‘wrong’..but just don’t choke or hit someone over it.
I keep telling him that we understand that he gets frustrated…that his is a smart kid and sometimes his friends or sister might not ‘get’ what he is going on about….but to just take a deep breath and walk away.
The self esteem thing is sooo hard!
wow, great idea! Saving this one because I have a feeling I’m going to need it.
That’s awesome that you found something that works!
My daughter can be like that, its frustrating. We don’t hit in our family, but when she gets mad she hits and punches us.
We’ve found though, that she is a very very high energy kid. Which, for two couch potatoes can be exhausting.
When we started getting her into physical activities, gymnastics and dance, her outbursts reduced dramatically. We notice an increase if we have to skip classes due to appointments or travel. There is a direct correlation of inactivity and evil child outbursts and lots of activity and the sweet little angel baby that I brought into this world.
Just a thought.
What a fantastic idea! I, too, have a short fuse and I remember how frustrating it was to be a kid with a short fuse. It’s not especially easy being an adult with a short fuse… :)
I’m looking forward to your future posts on other self-esteem boosting ideas.
YEA mama for helping find a way to cope and for his self esteem starting to rise!!
My 3 year old has major issues with frustation. This gives me hope!
That is so genius in its simplicity that I can hardly wait to talk to my daughter about that when she gets frustrated and angry with her little brother.
That’s a good tip. Thanks! I’m sticking it in my bag now.
Oh, this so applies to my Ty. We have been dealing with a lot of these issues lately and I was lost at what to do. His self esteem has been so low lately he doesn’t even want to go to school. Thank you, I am going to try this out with him!
I’ll be giving this one a go for my lad who’s also 5. He also suffers from self-esteem issues according to the teacher so I’m keen to hear any more tips, especially when it comes to situations that are not in the classroom or under parental control.
That is some SOLID advice. I’m storing that one away…
I love this tip..The NPR website has a great bit about raising the emotional intelligence of boys, some good information…
http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/emotion.html
http://www.mamamianosabia.blogspot.com
I never would have approached that problem from that angle. There should be a “Genius of the month” button you can wear for that. It’s not just good for Mike. It’s advice grown-ups can use, too.
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